Quick, Uncalculated Reactions to The Grammys

In all honesty, I only watched the Bob Dylan performance and the few minutes leading up to it. But from all that, the brief scan I did earlier of the nominees and winners, and my biased but confident and firm convictions about the Grammys, here's what I've managed to scrounge up:

1) Lady Gaga looked like an alien, and not even a sexy one. I liked her better when she shocked people by just not wearing anything on her private areas, regardless of how fucking weird the shit was that she wore everywhere else. Luckily for me, I don't give a shit because I just found out who she was probably less that a year ago, and her music has no positive or negative effect on me. I guess Jason Segel made some kind of joke that made her look silly; what does that say about her audience when someone else needs to make Lady fucking Gaga look stupid?

2) Call me crazy, call me an asshole, call me out-of-touch...but I still don't get all the fuss about Arcade Fire. Good for them for winning a Grammy, which should be meaningless to all their fans but, for some reason, isn't...But them getting the Album of the Year award just seems like Steve Grammy's way of making it seem like he's not a good five or six years behind the curve. I mean, is The Suburbs even their best album? I listened to it a good three or four times all the way through, and it's so unremarkable that I can't even sing back a single melody or repeat a lyric. I don't know who decides this shit (enlighten me, someone), but I have a theory that, whoever it is, their daughter is the chick in my Government class who, when introducing herself on the first day, cited Arcade Fire, Paramore, and Kesha as her favorite music. All in the same breath. Then, more than likely, followed it up with, "I love all kinds of music...just anything but country!" If you want stale, ambitiously safe pretentio-pop, stick with The Decemberists. If you feel cool because you were the first person to hear Arcade Fire...don't.

3) Why does Neil Young suddenly have a Grammy now for a -- I mean, I don't want to say 'shitty,' but it's probably like his 46th best album... -- when he has been making incredible music for half a century? No Grammy for After the Gold Rush, Everybody Knows This Is Nowhere, Harvest? So now I guess S. Grammy is atoning for being decades behind. On a sidenote, though, he looked less like a cadaver than he has since before since The Last Waltz.

4) The Black Keys won a bunch of shit. Hooray for the obligatory borderline-'indie' rock band that only the Grammy 'experts' know! Brothers is very good, but if it can win a Grammy, why can't the 10-15-20 better albums that came out this year?

5) Bob Dylan was the most interesting and most enjoyable part of the super-duper YEAHHHHH FOLK REVIVAL! supergroup that showed the audience how eclectic the Grammys had become. Life is more a joke to him now than ever, as are, I suspect, the two bands that strummed methodically along to "Maggie's Farm" behind him. To the Avett Brothers's credit, their voices actually sounded okay, a lot better than they sounded at Newport last summer. But, Jesus, if we didn't already have enough bands with the add-a-banjo-add-water-and-gently-stir ideology, we sure as cocks will now. Dylan waved his arms around and pranced about the overbearing, gaudy set like the entitled old man he is and the condescending, but hilarious, prick he's always been. Maybe he should've changed keys on The Mumford Bros. and Avett & Sons before the song started like he used to do to his backing bands and show just how authentic these folk revival posterboys are. Lucky for them, he didn't...I think they only know how to play in that one key.